I have no clue what to do. Some christians say stuff like I should take antidepressants and others say not to take them. But what shall I do when I'm simply totally depressed and at the same time have to function? I cannot afford to simply be depressed and do nothing. I have to study and learn. Simply always saying you mustn't do this or mustn't do that without offering other solutions doesn't help me. No matter what I do it could all be a mistake. If I do nothing and try to do it without antidepressants it could be a mistake if I cannot do it, but taking antidepressants could also be a mistake.
One reason why I feel much worse is because I'm scared of final exams which are coming up which basically decide over years of studying. The fear and the pressure totally drags me down. My family also worries about me a lot and my father told me stuff like if I dont get the diploma then it's all over. I constantly feel like I'm standing in front of an abyss. It's really a very serious situation. I'm already pretty old and older than all others who study with me, in very bad health and severly depressed and haven't learned anything. I need the diploma to have a chance of ever finding a job. I cannot study something new for me it's all or nothing.
As for praying...
I have prayed for healing once. Many years ago I tried to get healed from something small. I "claimed" my healing and after that I was directly bombared with doubts. It was terrible. I couldn't withstand these mind games and after a few days I gave up and went to the doctor to get new medicine. I simply couldn't take it. And now my health problem are much bigger. Now I needed real miracles not just healings. I have at least one rare genetic syndrome but actually there are many more things which are wrong with me which I don't have a name for I just know that things are very wrong. My body looks like a mixture between Mr.Burns and a fat person. It's totally depressing. Even looking at myself in the mirror drags me down.
I have listened to thousands of sermons and teachings about how to get healed for years and years trying to find a way how I could get healed and I found none. All these teachers tell you is that you must have faith and must not doubt. Don't doubt or do without. How does that help me?
I have been struggling with doubts and ocd ever since I became a christian. How in the world could I get healed when in the bible it says that you mustn't doubt in your "heart"? I don't even know what that means. I cannot even tell if I have faith or not. How do I know if I have faith when I feel nothing or when I have all kinds of doubtful thoughts or fears?
I have also talked to pastors on the phone who say they understanding healing. I tried to make them understand my problems but they didn't. All the stuff they told me didn't help me at all. I was told to quote bible verses against fear but how does this help me? I quoted them and even as I did this I was afraid. I felt like a hypocrite. I also tried for many months at a time to generate faith. I read all healing verses in the bible daily for months. It did nothing for me. I didn't get faith this way. I also don't even know who's right. Some say God wants to heal others say God doesn't always heal. How do I know who's right? Everyone quotes verses from the bible and claims to be right. But even if God wants to heal how does this help me when I cannot receive it? Then I have no hope. I feel like a bug lying on his back. What hope do I have when God depends on my faith and I simply dont have enough of it? I dont even dare to pray anymore because even before praying I fear and think what if nothing happens? How do I deal with the disappointment? It's simply so hopeless. I have been in this situation for years now. No sermon,book,mp3 has ever helped me. Being told how crucial faith is and that you must not doubt only increases my struggles and the ordinary christians don't even understand these mental struggles. I have called prayer lines and been told stuff like either believe it or dont. This doesn't help me. I want to believe but at the same time I can't even tell how I know wether I have faith or not. For example if I pray then how do I know wether I even prayed in faith? I don't have a display on my forehead which tells me if I'm in faith or not. Then how can I even have confidence that I get what I pray for? And even if I pray in faith then what happens if the next second after praying I am bombared with doubts and fears? Is then everything over? I have suffered so much from all these questions and felt like getting a nervous breakdown many times. I simply have no answers. And those who I seeked help from also could never help me which makes me feel like a hopeless case.
Other christians say they get prayers answered or experience God. I don't understand why this doesn't also work for me. I have been to pastors to be prayed for and done all kinds of things to finally get a "breakthrough" but it never happened and I dont know why. I dont even know what to say anymore to God.