I'm tired of always being depressed and sick. Nothing makes sense.
I hate what I have become. I lost all which was important to me. I am everything I don't want to be. Years ago when my health was still relatively
good I was "only" depressed and struggled with anxieties and doubts. But now also my health has gotten so much worse more and more things showed up which can't be healed. Back when I was still working out I had a goal and a stronger will. After not being able work out anymore I became even more depressed and gained back all the fat I had lost before and lost the little muscle mass I had gained. I'm in such a terrible shape and I can't even do anything about it. I cannot go to the gym anymore and lift. I have too many injuries it wouldn't make any sense. Nothing in my life makes sense. It's all like a senseless sad story. Years ago I thought everything sucks but now everything sucks much more. I have no solutions and no hope. If I only had one thing wrong with me I could accept it much easier but I have so many things wrong with me it's like a bad joke. Christianity also doesn't have answers for me. Christians tell me things like you need therapy or you need antidepressants. But none of this stuff can heal me or offer hope. Therapy is a joke. I tried it. It was so empty and disappointing. As if telling an unemphatic therapist who only cares about his money about my diseases and about how I suffer from them changed anything. I go to bed depressed and wake up depressed.
I also don't understand why are there christians who claim they experienced God or that God appeared to them when they were despaired?
I have been despaired so many times and nobody appeared to me. God seems totally far away and unreachable to me. I feel like I'm in my own little
world of problems and God is millions of miles away in another dimension. I cannot even imagine how heaven is like it's as if it's not real and all that is real
is my problems.